September 28, 2019 100

A Measured Smash DLC Roster Prediction

A Measured Smash DLC Roster Prediction

So Nintendo has finally revealed the entire
roster for Super Smash Brother Ultimate. And it’s fucking garbage! I can’t believe Nintendo left out so many
amazing characters that would be perfect for Smash Bros. But there is still hope. Nintendo has also announced that there will
be additional DLC characters as well. In fact, they already revealed one of them. Piranha Plant. I applaud Nintendo for this choice. It’s great to see them add a character so
controversial, yet so brave? Clearly Sakurai’s mind is one above our
own. While I doubt we could ever come to fathom
the depth of Sakurai’s intellect, this character does give us a window into the madman’s
mind. There are five DLC characters left to be announced,
and given all of the evidence that has piled up over the last few months, I think we have
a pretty good chance at guessing who is left. So without further ado, here are my predictions
for the Smash Ultimate DLC roster. Sakurai has been feeding us hints about new
characters during every direct we have had. During the E3 Direct, we could see a barrel
and a rope ladder in the room where Sakurai was talking. This was obviously a hint at King K Rool being
a character in Smash. During the August 8th direct, there were two
chairs in the background, one yellow and one purple. No one really knew what this meant at first. People thought it was Waluigi, or maybe Rayman,
or even Skull Kid. Looking back at it now, it was so blatantly
obvious who the chairs were referring to that I won’t even bother repeating it. But what about the November direct? What secret did Sakurai leave for us this
time? Well, did you happen to notice this Japanese
man hidden right in front of the camera. I honestly can’t believe I missed it the
first time watching. But what does a Japanese man hint at? Well, I did some research and it turns out
that the game Super Mario Bros. was actually made by a Japanese man. Now my Japanese is a little rusty but I believe
his name is pronounced SHAGGY-ROO Bicycle Pump. Anyway, it turns out this Super Mario Bros
game is actually the game that Piranha Plant originated from. Coincidence? No. People have rightly pointed out that Piranha
Plant itself must be hinting at another character in the game, because why would Sakurai put
a fucking piranha plant in the game for no fucking reason? Some people think that Piranha Plant is hinting
at Geno’s inclusion, because there was some ad for Super Mario RPG in Japan with some
singing piranha plants or some shit, I don’t know. It’s a pretty solid theory, I will admit,
but listen to this. Remember that obscure Mario game I mentioned
earlier? The one that had Piranha Plant in it? Well, Piranha Plant isn’t even the first
enemy you see in that game, it’s the second. The first one is actually Goomba. So I think it’s safe to say that Goomba
is going to be our first DLC character. Now let’s talk about leaks. Super Smash Bros Ultimate has had tons of
leaks all over the internet. And most of them have been shit. But there is one leaker who has constantly
been proven right time and again. Vergeben. He correctly leaked Cat, Dog, Snake, and Bird. This person clearly has some insider information,
and they have said that a Square Enix character will be coming to Smash as DLC. So I played through every single game Square
Enix has ever made to find a character worthy of being included in Smash Bros. And I couldn’t find any. So I’m guessing they are going to just use
a character from Super Mario RPG, since the Mario franchise is pretty underrepresented
in Smash as it is. I don’t really know who they would pick. None of the characters really stand out to
me. Maybe Mallow? Yeah, Mallow. There are shit ton of characters in Smash
Ultimate. Too many, in fact. When people first pick up the game, it’s
going to be incredibly hard to know where to even start. It also doesn’t help that none of the characters
are very relatable. I don’t know what it’s like to be an Italian
plumber who eats mushrooms. I’m not physically fit in any way, shape
or form. I don’t even know what the fuck is going
on with this character. It seems to me like Smash Bros needs to have
a character that people can relate to. So I scoured the entire Nintendo franchise
to try and find a character that best represented the average Smash Bros fan. And I think I found him. Baby Mario. I don’t really know why, but whenever I
browse Smash related Reddit threads, YouTube comments or GameFAQ posts, I’m always reminded
of Baby Mario for some reason. It’s the weirdest thing, to be honest. Now, who says these DLC characters have to
even be from a pre-existing Nintendo game? You see, this is the problem with Smash speculation. There are all these rules people come up with
that aren’t really rules, they are just patterns. “New fighters have to be relevant” until
they aren’t. “A third party can’t have two fighters!”
until they do. So why does Nintendo have to add pre-existing
characters? That’s why I think we’ll be seeing a brand
new character added to Smash. Dr. Baby Mario. Now before you even say it, I know. Sakurai said that the DLC characters won’t
be echo fighters. But I didn’t say that Dr. Baby Mario would
be an echo fighter, did I? Let’s look at Dr. Mario. How is he different from Mario? Well, he’s slightly shorter, slightly more
powerful, slightly slower, and he has a different down Special. Now what attributes can echo fighters have? Well, they can have slightly different heights,
slightly different power levels, slightly different speeds, and they can have different
Special moves. So Dr. Mario is clearly not an echo of Mario,
meaning Dr. Baby Mario doesn’t have to be an echo of Baby Mario. Checkmate, atheists. Let’s go back to December 26, 2016. On that fateful day, Sakurai held an interview
with Denfaminicogamer. This interview took place in Sakurai’s house,
where he had a few collectibles lying around. Sakurai explained that he often purchased
toys to use as references when making games. The interviewer pointed out one of Sakurai’s
toys, a mech from the 1983 anime series Galactic Drifter Vifam. According to Sakurai, he purchased this toy
in order to use the included rifle as reference for a game he was working on. Sakurai obviously used this rifle as reference
for a new character in Smash. There is literally no other possible explanation
in the universe. There’s no way Sakurai could have used this
for a different game, or for an assist trophy. And it’s completely impossible that he just
didn’t actually use it. So where is the rifle, dear viewer? None of the new characters so far use rifles,
so this toy must be for our last DLC fighter. So, what character in the entire Nintendo
canon could Sakurai possibly be planning on adding into the game? Well, isn’t it obvious? So yeah, there’s my predictions. Best $25 bucks I ever spent.

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