September 28, 2019 0

My thoughts on ‘starsigns’

Alright guys, welcome back to my channel. If you are new here, my name is Tom Harlock and I do not have an intro But I am a Virgo 🙂 Intelligent, sensational, mysterious. So much of an intellectual, in fact, that I think horoscopes, the zodiac, astrology, gravity, time: it’s all a bunch of hot shit So today I wanted to put my thoughts and feelings on astrology onto the internet because I haven’t really been angry about anything in a while. But today I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed and then when I was making my cornflakes instead of putting this cereal and then the milk, I just substituted the milk for piss! It’s only gonna be a little short video. I haven’t meticulously planned this one I just wanted to have a little rant- uh, zodiac, astrology, and why am I holding myself too tight? If you enjoy this video at any time make sure to please leave a like and let me know down in the comments what your zodiac sign is. Are you a Libra? I could probably tell because you seem like a crack head. And leave me a comment letting me know what your beliefs are. At best it will be discussed, and at worse, it will be mocked. These feelings about the zodiac and astrology have all been bubbling inside me since earlier this morning when I got in the shower and I realized that I didn’t feel quite right. It felt like my moon fire was out of sync or some shit. And so I took to the internet and read my horoscope. So for-you know what, mercury is probably up my arsehole or something. Something’s not right in this atmosphere So I was in the shower with my splash-proof phone directly under the water reading my horoscope, and it went a little something like this: Something you need or want has been alluding your grasp. The somewhat strained aspect of the heavens lately hasn’t held but today everything is within reach especially if it was material considerations holding you back you have an au-spaceish- Auspey ish? You have a day ahead so make the most of it. And as soon as I read my horoscope everything just started to make sense and come into light. I need to take control of my life and just throw myself in front of the nearest bus. Toss my empty vessel! 😀 Only joking I don’t believe that shite because I’m not a belligerent crackhead. Let me pull this one apart and see exactly how applicable it is to my current circumstance. There’s some likelihood that’s something you need or want has been eluding your grasp. Yes, a fucking will to live. Doesn’t everyone want something they can’t have? And this horoscope can’t even commit to that! There was *some* likelihood. Some likelihood that something you want or need: you can’t have it. But only a small chance. Today everything is within reach. You’ve just told me it was out my fucking grasp you idiot, especially if it was material considerations holding you back. I did this purchase of hoodie that’s made out of neoprene scuba fabric. I think I’m a believer. Okay, maybe I’m convinced. I just assumed there was going to be chatting shit, but perhaps there is some truth. You have an auspicious day ahead. What does this auspicious mean? Auspicious. Basically means promising and optimistic, so I have a promising day ahead. Not if I ended. That’s a massive point actually, but it’s not that big of a point. But I’m gonna *make* a giant point. Surely all these people that die, like Princess Diana, she was a cancer. Tell me why I know that. In Princess Diana’s horoscope, do you really think it told her on the 31st of August 1997 that she was gonna go into a tunnel and not come out the other side? No. Then what weight do horoscopes have? Excuse me moon. If the zodiac is your belief system slash religion, because I think it kind of is a religion if I’m honest, you’re praying to the stars of moon at the end of the day. I know this little rant’s probably gonna get me loads of emoji spells and curses put at me but I don’t give a shit. I’ve got a protective force field around me in the form of neoprene. I’m not going to apologize for offending your belief system. I’m sorry, but I cannot agree with people that believe that just because the moon affects the tides, the human body should be affected too because it’s 60% water. I’m sorry “science”, but last time I checked lettuce was 95% water And I do not think the moon is making my romaine make bad financial decisions or perhaps have a poor love life. An eclipse is not going to give a pineapple a prosperous future. If you are extremely plain and you need horoscopes to replace your personality. That’s fine. I understand. And are you sarcasm and camera angles? And I might even humor you just for a small second. If you have a Twitter account you’ve probably seen the tweets where it’s like “ooh your signs as bread” You know, “your signs as Doctor Who characters”. I’ve made my own little version. Aquarius! If you’re an Aquarius, it means you’re a risk-taker and a deep thinker, which means you love literature and anal. Aries! Aries are independent and therefore 75% more likely to be an orphan. Capricorn! Capricorns love to shag goats. And there’s also humble Gemini. If you’re a Gemini, it means you consumed your twin in the womb. Don’t worry. Think of the nutrients! Leo. Leo’s are wild and more likely to have lion face syndrome, an overgrowth of bone. Libra. Fat. Pisces. The symbol of the Pisces is the fish. Which means you should probably get your pH balance checked. Sagittarius. All my Sagittarius friends: I know you’re insecure and that’s because everyone laughs at you behind your back. Scorpio. All Scorpios are a direct descendant of Dwayne the Rock Johnson from 2001 The Mummy Returns. Taurus. If you’re a Taurus, you have a bullish personality. You also shag cows. I won’t judge you. I know you have a kind heart. Virgo. Humble. Stunning. Sensational, but a prone to genocide of thoughts. If you’re offended by any of my descriptions of the signs then I’m so sorry, you’re a Gemini. I hope you enjoyed this little rant. I want to do more of these. I’ve got a couple of topics lined up! So if you did enjoy this Please make sure to give me a like and let me know down in the comments your thoughts or feelings or beliefs in star signs I wanna know yeah, you know exactly what I want to do, which is party. I’m not gonna party. I’m gonna take this fucking hoodie off cause I’m sweating like a scuba bitch. Thank you very much for watching this video. And also just thanks for watching my videos in general. I’m feeling really appreciative today. So I just wanted to let you guys know that I am well grateful. Seven hundred forty thousand subscribers which is actually ridiculous as well. That’s well near three-quarters of a million, which is basically a million, which is basically thirty million which was my goal for the end of 2012. We’re nearly there. And I know a lot of people thinking ‘Tom, last time I checked you were blonde’ Don’t have an explanation. Don’t really have an excuse. Last time I checked you all were still gonna fuck me. I love you. Goodbye!

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